Guest blog post by Dr Katherine Mollart, Clinical Psychologist and Couples Therapist
Why becoming parents can put pressure on even strong relationships — and what helps
Becoming a parent can be one of the most meaningful experiences in life. It can also place enormous pressure on even the strongest relationships. Couples who previously felt close and worked well together can suddenly find themselves arguing about who emptied the dishwasher, whose turn it is to get up with the baby, or why one person seems to be carrying more of the mental load.
Parenthood changes your relationship
When a baby arrives, almost every part of life changes. There may be less sleep, less time, more responsibility, financial pressures and a seemingly endless list of things to remember. At the same time, couples often have much less opportunity to connect with each other.
Conversations can gradually become dominated by logistics:
“Have you packed the PE bag?”
“Who’s doing pick-up tomorrow?”
“Did you order more nappies?”
“What’s happening for dinner?”
You can become a very efficient parenting team while, somewhere along the way, losing some of the sense of being a couple. And this isn’t limited to the baby and toddler years. As children grow, the pressures change rather than necessarily disappear. School, activities, work, finances and the different needs of everyone in the family can leave very little time or energy for the relationship.
When the same arguments keep happening
One of the things I often help couples understand is the pattern they get caught in when things are difficult. For example, one partner might feel unsupported and become increasingly frustrated or critical: “You never help me.”
The other hears criticism, feels that nothing they do is good enough, and becomes defensive or withdraws: “Whatever I do, it’s never enough for you.”
The first person then feels even more alone and unheard, so protests more strongly. The second feels increasingly criticised and retreats further. Before long, both people are reacting to each other’s reactions. Neither person is necessarily the problem. The cycle they’ve become caught in is the problem. Learning to recognise that cycle — and what is happening underneath it — can make a significant difference.
Instead of:
“You don’t care.”
it might become:
“I’m overwhelmed and I need to feel that we’re in this together.”
Instead of:
“Just leave me alone.”
it might become:
“I feel like I’m getting everything wrong and I don’t know how to make this better.”
Those are very different conversations.
Feeling heard doesn’t mean agreeing
Another common difficulty is that couples become so focused on explaining their own position that neither person feels properly heard. Listening to your partner doesn’t mean you have to agree with their interpretation of everything that happened.
You can say: “I can understand why that felt hurtful.”
without saying: “Your version of what happened is completely right.
Trying to understand your partner’s experience before explaining your own can help bring the emotional temperature down and make it much easier to solve the actual problem together.
The mental load matters too
Many arguments about household and parenting responsibilities aren’t simply about who physically completes the most tasks. There is also the less visible work of family life: noticing, planning, remembering, anticipating and worrying.
Who notices that the school shoes are getting too small? Who remembers the birthday present, books the dentist, keeps track of the school emails and WhatsApp’s and realises you’re nearly out of toothpaste?
When one person feels responsible for holding all of this information, resentment can build quickly.
Rather than trying to prove who does more, it can be more helpful for couples to make the invisible work visible and ask: How can we take shared ownership of our family life?
Connection doesn’t have to mean date nights
When I talk to parents about maintaining their relationship, I’m sometimes met with an understandable response: When exactly are we supposed to find time for that?
Connection doesn’t have to mean arranging elaborate date nights or finding hours of uninterrupted time together. Small moments matter.
A proper hello when one of you gets home. Ten minutes talking without phones. A hug in the kitchen. Asking how your partner actually is — and listening to the answer, putting your phones away.
Relationships are often maintained through these small, repeated moments of turning towards one another.
Your relationship deserves some attention too
Parents understandably put enormous amounts of time and energy into their children. The couple relationship can easily end up at the bottom of the list. You don’t need to wait until your relationship is in crisis before giving it some attention. Learning how to recognise your patterns, communicate differently, manage conflict, share the load and maintain emotional and physical connection can help you feel more like partners again — not just co-parents managing an increasingly complicated household.
Staying Connected Through Parenthood
I’m Dr Katherine Mollart, a Clinical Psychologist and Couples Therapist based in Winchester.
This October, I’m running Staying Connected Through Parenthood, an eight-week practical relationship course for parents at Thrive + Wild in Winchester.
We’ll explore many of the themes above, including understanding relationship patterns, breaking negative cycles, listening so your partner feels heard, sharing the mental load, parenting as a team and maintaining emotional and physical connection.
It’s educational and practical rather than group therapy. Couples won’t be expected to discuss their relationship with the group, and children can enjoy supervised soft play while parents take part.
You can find out more about Staying Connected Through Parenthood at https://www.mollartcbt.com/staying-connected-through-parenthood-cou
Dr Katherine Mollart
Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist
Mollart CBT Ltd
Instagram @dr.mollart.psychologist